I pulled up, you can't miss it. The place is surrounded with Blackboard signs advertising Fran's cooking, the best this the best that etc. So as soon as I got off the bike, out came Fran, all 5ft nothing, to tell me not to park where I parked as "people was bustin her pipes!" Then she gave me a blackboard and told me to make a sign to tell people not to come in and park. The people who were already sitting at the tables were giggling, they obviously had already been read the rules. One of her signs said she made great cappucino's. so I asked for a double shot, not too much milk ( I know you all cringe when I order coffee). Well Fran gave me short shift, "Love she said, waving her hands at me the way Julia Guillard does when she says "now friends", you can only have it the way it comes, but not to worry love, its good coffee. Now sit down and talk to those nice people there and tell them where yerv been and where yer going!"
"Er, OK I said" Yes, I was intimidated by this dwarf of a woman as was everyone else sitting there. She went inside and we all started whispering like naughty school children. Then alas, a women dared go inside. Taped to the plastic fly door was another sign "Private Office". The lady that had attempted to enter was shoved outside, told to sit down and Fran would be with her momentarily. Fran came back out and told me to have scones as she had just baked a batch. Obediently, I ordered the scones. The coffee and the scones arrived. She wasn't lying , the coffee was good. Later I asked Fran if she had a bathroom, she came back with the key and told me to lock it when I was finished as she had nice toilet paper. Well of course, there was another sign. "Don't even think about stealin me toilet paper cos I have a camera". I read this as I was perched over the loo and did a quick scan for said camera. I think it was a bluff.
I decided the only way to deal with Fran was to suck up to her big time. Initially, this didn't bring me any success as I was relegated to directing traffic at her front gate and told to stop them coming in at all costs, "cos of me pipes". After my traffic duties, I told Fran that I had to go and could I please pay. I had not realised that there were no prices on her menu! Fran invited me into her private office. Eyebrows were raised at various tables "Yes, I had struck gold, the sucking up worked". The other customers eyed me jealously as I was invited into the private office to pay my bill and given the guided tour of Fran's menagerie of stuffed animals. Very freaky.
My scones and coffee cost me $13 which I thought was a bit steep, especially after all the sucking up.
I went on my merry way and stopped at Mataranka to refuel. I told the shop assistant that I had just been to the weirdest teahouse. She said "Oh, you've been to Fran's, what did you have and what did you pay for it?" I told her and she said she must have liked me, Fran has been known to charge $25 for scones and coffee.
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